So I held a little voting poll on my Instagram about what my next blog post should be about. I got feedback on three topics and they were: Auditioning, Different types of theatre jobs, and Long distance relationships.
And the winner for this week was...(DRUMROLL PLEASE....) LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS!!! This topic is near and dear to my heart because almost every relationship that I have been in has been long distance at some point and I am about to be long distance with my boo thang again in a couple of weeks. *DISCLAIMER* All of these posts about specific topics are solely my opinion and if you don't agree or you have had different experiences that's alright and amazing and being different and thinking differently is what makes us all great. =) When I was in college I dabbled in this a bit with all of my relationships. When I left Paducah do to The Glee Project I was in a relationship and it was a difficult situation. I was nineteen years old, dating a woman, and going on national television. Neither of us were out to our families yet and that made it even more complicated. I was on this reality TV show and we weren't allowed to have our phones or computers at all while we were filming. I was limited to one 15 minute phone call (that was filmed) a week and because we were not out to our families I could only call her and talk to her like she was my best friend. Not being able to tell someone that you love them and not being able to hear that from someone when you are literally three time zones away is so painful and difficult. I let it sabotage me. I got to the point where all I wanted to do was go home. I stopped trying. I made my relationship more important than everything else in my life. I was young and I wasn't focused on my goals enough to step aside and look at my situation and know that I wasn't doing myself any favors. I didn't know that it was possible to be in love and be happy and successful. I stopped trying and I came home. I resented her for that. I resented her for the way she made me feel while I was on that show. I resented the fact that she made me feel like I had to choose. And I was so wrong to do that. It wasn't her fault that I gave up. That was my own insecurity and lack of confidence. I blamed her and that destroyed us. This was the first time I had ever been in love and it deteriorated because of distance. Thus I became terrified of any type of long distance relationship. I was ruined. From that moment on, any relationship that ran into any distance had a cloud of negativity and distrust looming above it. Every relationship I had after that had to endure SOME sort of distance. Whether it be a month or the whole summer. It always happened because of the type of work that I was going into. It would get to the point where even if I I thought there was some other reason the relationship wasn't working once I looked deeper into things I would realize that distance came into play. Sometimes just the idea of the unknown would cause irreparable damage. Then my senior year of college came and I swore that I wasn't going to get involved with anyone. I was going to focus on school and auditions and not on a relationship. After all, I was going to be graduating and moving and that would mean whatever relationship that I would start would have to be long distance and that actually scared the shit out of me. Second semester of college I fell in love with Wes Carman. Ya know, just a boy who had been in my life all 4 years. Right in front of my nose the whole time. I didn't want it. I was terrified. I called my mom. Haha. When I talked to my mom she told me, "At this point in your life, every relationship is going to be long distance because of the career you chose and that is okay. I did it with your dad and you can make it work if you really believe in the person you're with." Thank god for moms, right? I started this relationship and the first thing I asked was, "What's going to happen when we graduate? Are we going to stay together? What's going to happen? What are people going to say?" And the whole time all he said to me was, "we will see what happens. let's not make promises." And at first that really made me mad. Like, really really mad. I didn't like that. I wanted someone to promise to be with me forever and tell me that we were going to work out no matter what came our way. Because that's what I always saw in things that showed me the way love was supposed to be. I wanted to be with someone who saw an immediate future with me. And that was unrealistic. So so so unrealistic. We started taking it day by day and loving each other more and more without thinking about how we were going to handle the distance that was looming over us. After dating for 3 months we became long distance and went to jobs 800 miles away from each other. It was really hard at first but we continued to take every day as it came and continued to love each other. Next thing we knew we were about a year and a half in and we had made it work. Now, things didn't really get easy after that. We went through a lot of stuff that distance complicated and we are still learning. When I went to work on the cruise we almost didn't make it. I haven't been crazy open about that to anyone, but we really struggled. A lot. We always said that our relationship could withstand anything. But then life punched us in the face and all of a sudden we were grasping at the strands of a relationship that was unraveling. We had forgotten how to communicate and we didn't know who we were as a couple anymore. We lost "us". After a lot of long fights and a lot of tears. We started to get "us" back again. We had to reinstate things that were important to us years ago that we had lost touch of and the main thing we stopped doing was making promises. I had fallen back into my comfort zone of wanting to be promised a life regardless of what happened. That just doesn't work for us and we forgot that for a while. There are a few things that have really worked for me and my relationship and I think they could help anyone trying to get through this crazy long distance thing. I know when I lost touch of these things it made our day to day really difficult, so here's what they are:
I have spent the last two months with Wes here in Chicago and it has been amazing. But we are about to be apart and not know when we are going to see each other again and that is going to be really hard. Sometimes I need to remind myself of the things that I have talked about in this post because I forget and I get sad when I don't know what is coming next. If you trust your partner and they trust you then before you know it living day by day will turn into years together and it will be amazing. I promise you this. I am so happy that we have fought for our relationship and I am so happy that we have been able to grow from everything we have been through. The most important thing is to look at your relationship and search within it to see if there are things that make you happy that don't involve having to be around each other all the time. Find the things about each other that can fulfill, thrive, and survive distance. I'm no expert and I still get sad and lonely in random Airbnb's across the country. I'm still learning and I am thankful that you all chose for me to write about this because I can go back and read this when I am feeling doubtful. Thanks for listening, guys.
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I was planning on doing this post on December 31st but I had a show and then we all went to a super swanky New Years party at The Drake Hotel here in Chicago. Then I was going to do it yesterday but I spent the whole day in bed watching Black Mirror and eating takeout. So here I am January 2nd sitting in my bed about to move to a different apartment in my building and feeling great. Let's review 2017 shall we?
January- I started a my first NYC restaurant job at ABCKitchen and I signed with a talent agency. February- Wes and I went to a burlesque show at Coney Island for Valentines day and it was one of the weirdest most offensive things I have ever done. We learned about the dangers of subletting from the wrong people. Lost $700 to one of those wrong people. Moved out of a bad living situation under the cover of darkness, and signed our first lease in an apartment in Washington Heights with some lovely handsome roommates (shout out to Garrett and Greg and Garrett's mom for making that all possible). I put together an Ikea bed all by myself without instructions. March- Went to some cabarets, played some board games, worked a lot, auditioned a lot, saw some broadway shoes, trudged through snow, lived my best NYC life. April- My last month in NYC because I found out at the beginning of the month that I was offered a contract with Carnival Cruise Lines. I said a lot of goodbyes to friends that became very close very quickly. Right before I left the city I had another callback for Beautiful, didn't hear anything, packed up my stuff and went on my merry way. I got a passport for the first time and left the city to cruise with my best friend (shout out to Montez for being the best). I left the country for the first time in my whole life. May- I started rehearsals for one of the most choreographically challenging jobs I have ever done. I met some of the best people I have ever met in my life. I worked with some of the most brilliant people. I pushed myself and saw results I was really proud of. I was proud of me this month. June- I MOVED ONTO A CRUISE SHIP. I always said I wanted to work on a cruise and perform and travel and I finally got to do it. I lived in a tiny cabin but it had rugs so I liked it (if you've ever worked on a ship you know that rugs and string lights make your cabin look like a real home and that's really important.) I met an bunch of people from a bunch of places I had never been or thought about going to. I got a new appreciation for different cultures and I fell in love with it. July- I paid for my parents to cruise and see me perform. My dad had never been on a cruise before so that was a really special thing for me to be able to do. I paid back my mom all the money that she fronted me during my NYC endeavors (which was a lot) and I got a killer tan. I got a really bad cold while my parents were on board and I thought I was going to die. No joke. I had a moment coughing backstage and i thought I was going to die and everyone was just going to find me in a sparkly two piece costume unconscious on the floor. The cold made it into the blog as one of the most monumental things that happened this year because I have never performed feeling worse in my life. But I did not miss a show. I was proud of myself this month too. August- This is the month I encountered body shaming for the first time. I debated about whether or not to put this in the post but it was important for me this year. For the first time in my whole theatrical life I had people talking to be about my weight as if I was severely out of shape and unhealthy. I was told that I needed to keep the weight off I lost during the sickness I had (I lost 10 pounds in 4 days) otherwise we were going to have a "talk" about it. I was within my contract and was hired as a curvy girl. People that had never met me and were just looking at my weight on paper told me to drop some pounds. I am thankful every day for the people that were around me during that time and helped me deal with what was being told to me (You know who you are). Just when the thought crossed my mind that I didn't want to be on the ship anymore and that it maybe wasn't the best environment for me guess what happened.....I GOT AN OFFER FROM BEAUTIFUL. I said my goodbyes, packed up my cabin, got everything in order, and was off the ship in 3 days. Flew to Canada and started rehearsals for my freaking dream. September- I opened as Janelle Woods in Ft. Worth, TX. I cried. I shook. I sang my heart out. I stayed in a really nice hotel and then learned what tour was all about and saved my money and never did it again haha. I met even more great people. It took a bit for some people to warm up to me but that's just because this business can be petty as hell (see my previous post entitled "go to a practice room and get your shit together") but eventually everyone was great. Everyone is great (special shout out to those of you who welcomed my weirdness and grew with me as we learned what it was like to be on tour. You guys actually saved me). October- I flew my mom to see the show in Reno, NV and had a wonderful week with her. I surprised her and I never get to surprise anyone because I am terrible at keeping secrets. I flew Wes to Sacramento, CA for two weeks and we got to go to San Fran and sight see. We ate a wonderful dinner at a wonderful restaurant and didn't have any cash for the Valet. We dressed up as Jessica Rabbit and Peter Rabbit and ate a lot of take out. November- I spent Thanksgiving with my mom and dad and Wes's family all together and it was wonderful. I surprised my best friend since 8th grade (shout out to Robert!!!) that I hadn't seen in two years and got to see him perform. I, of course, cried because that's what I do every time I see him onstage. I did my first meet and great with Beautiful and signed a lot of autographs. December- I moved to Chicago with Wes (we are here for two months on tour) and performed at the Palace Theatre. I was very cold. Turned 26. Went to a fancy new years eve party. Sang at a benefit for BCEFA (broadway cares equity fights aids) with the cast of Hamilton and Wicked. I SAW HAMILTON. I spent way too much money on food. Laughed a lot. In 2017 I got my equity card. Something I have been dreaming about since I was 10 years old. I joined a national tour and got to sing a solo onstage 8 times a week. Thankful doesn't even begin to cover it. This year was a dream. I fell in love so many times with so many different people. I laughed more than I thought possible and I became more and more aware that I had more than the average person and that I should be thankful and humble. There were some downsides and I definitely cried a lot. But I learned a lot of things about myself. I learned a lot about life and relationships this year. I never expected all of these things to happen and they did. Dude, someone in charge of the universe must really really like me. 2018 will be the year of: Taking care of myself. Physically and emotionally. Being better with my money. Being honest with people about the way I feel and not letting fear get in the way of that. Letting my mom brag and be proud of me in public without getting annoyed. Smoothing some of my edges because there is no need for them to be so sharp. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Happy New Year Everyone! I am blessed to know you all. |
AuthorMiki. 26. NYC. Beautiful: The Carole King Musical National Tour. Archives
January 2018
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