This post is coming to you live from a coffee shop in NYC; whilst drinking a SUPER hot, overpriced, and watery cappuccino.
I will warn you ahead of time that things are about to get heavy. OK Let’s jump right in: I have been feeling down lately. I don’t really know what exactly it is that is making me feel this way…but there is something in the air. There are several things random and unrelated things that could be contributing to my stress and the uneasy feeling I feel in my stomach on the daily, but I can’t put my finger on any specifics. It has taken me a long time to decide if I wanted to make a post about this or not. I almost made my last post touch on this but I don’t like to complain about my life. Or things in general. I have been trying to keep things positive and light about my time here in NYC and my life. But I feel like I need to get it all out so that I can look at everything that is happening, as if it were on a spread sheet or something and then maybe I can see what the root of this unhappiness is. I apologize if the rest of this post jumps around a lot and begins to be hard to understand. As I was writing it just became a string of consciousness and I just wrote the first things that came to my mind. I needed this, so please indulge me. There is a new struggle I am dealing with lately. As you may remember about a month and a half ago I was so excited about the fact that I was moving to the city and I didn’t have any performance work or anything and I was just going to be living my life and discovering me. Well, now that I am living that life it isn’t really all that amazing. I have found myself going to work and going to auditions and going to bed. Literally spending hours and hours in bed. Doing nothing. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love being able to binge watch a good Netflix original, but I am not being useful. I am not accomplishing anything. I know that I need to get out there and I need to try and take classes or go to performances or do basically anything other than what I am doing but I just don’t have the motivation to do it. There are a lot of lose ends that need to be tied up in my life at the moment and I am letting that stress and frustration consume me. Now, I have always been this way. I don’t have a history of dealing with stress well, I definitely have had to deal with it in the past and I did…but not well. I almost drown in it and just when I get my head above the water there is a small calm before the next storm. I have always been the type of person to stress out and over analyze hectic things in my life until they get resolved. That is just my nature. I like all of my ducks to be in a row and until they are I will lose much sleep over it. I am a planner, I like to know what is happening, where it is happening, and who will be there. Going with the flow is not a strength of mine. Guys, I am going crazy here. I am overwhelmed with life. I am overwhelmed with burdens. I am overwhelmed by my schedule. I am overwhelmed with anxiety. Anxiety is a thing that I have dealt with in the past (mostly in college) along with signs of Borderline Personality Disorder. I am not sharing this light heartedly. There are few people in my life that I have opened up to about this part of my life and I don’t usually like to share it, but lately I have been feeling very alone. I have been missing people that used to be in my life (who are now not in my life for VERY good reasons), I am laying in bed and checking my phone every 5 seconds for someone to talk to. I am feeling isolated. Don’t get me wrong, I have Wes and he is wonderful. He is there when I need him and is amazing at dealing with me and all my “issues”. But he has his own life. He has his own obligations. He lives with me and works with me. I don’t want to overwhelm him with all of the struggles I am having as well. He can only handle so much. It has been a really long time since I have felt any anxiety or signs of BPD, but these past two weeks it has hit me like a freaking semi truck. It isn’t depression. I am not depressed. I have this feeling in my stomach always that makes me feel like throwing up. It makes me feel like something bad is looming over my head. The only time I don’t feel it is when I am in an audition room (go figure…no anxiety at and audition…) or when I am in the middle of a work shift. So it’s clear to me that it is subsided when I am doing something to take my mind off of it. Something that makes me really concentrate on what is happening in the here and now. I don’t really know what exactly I really wanted to accomplish by posting all of this. It is not a cry for attention. It is absolutely not that. And if I am being honest this post is probably going to sit on my computer for a couple of days before I decide to actually post it. This is me asking for help, I guess? Have any of you felt this way? What have you done to calm yourself and put your mind at ease? Bottomline is this: I love my life. I love what I am doing, and I love the fact that I get to live everyday with my best friend by my side. I am struggling internally. The title of this post comes from a very dear friend. As I was in the throws of frustration speaking to my mother on the phone this afternoon, I looked down at my phone only to get a message from a wonderful man that said “…positivity begets positivity.” This statement was shared because of something entirely unrelated to my personal struggles but it came precisely at the right time. A simple message that a little bit of positivity goes a long way and encourages the future. Thank you all for reading all of this and thank you in advance for you help and insight. I love you all more than I could imagine.
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Hello everyone!
It's been a minute since I posted and for that I am sorry. I have been using my free time to watch movies, cuddle, and sleep. =) Here's what's new. I was planning on waiting until contracts were signed (and then post a picture of me signing said contract) to announce this but that is taking a little longer than expected so I will just say this: I am currently free lancing with Revolution Talent (I am not actually freelancing but that is what we are going to call it until I get down to the office and acting sign the papers) ((ie: I signed with an agent))!!!!! He has been doing LOTS of work for me and filling up all my days with wonderful auditions. I have not been wasting any time. So far I have gone in for Matt Davenport Productions, Royal Caribbean, and an Equity workshop. All but one have resulted in callbacks (but who knows I just auditioned for that one so it's up in the air) and this week I am going in for Norwegian and Sister Act. It has been insane. I am super thankful for the insanity though. My new job is ridiculously tiring on the body, mind, and spirit but I think I am getting the hang of it. It's honestly just like any other restaurant job but WAY more particular with their service. I don't know if I posted about this in the last post or not but Wes also got hired there. So now we work in the same place and we can switch shifts when we have auditions...we have done this twice already and I have to tell you it is the best thing ever. I have been able to make all of my auditions and so has he so thank God for that. While all of these good things are happening there are some aspects of my life that are still coming at me head on and fast and it is causing me a little bit of anxiety (emphasis on the "little") but I know all of it will soon pass and I will be able to get ahead on the things that I am behind on. One of the annoying things I am having to deal with is the fact that I have to go through the process of getting a new ID partially because my drivers license expired yesterday (yay me) and partially because once you have been in NY for 30 days you have to declare yourself and a resident legally. So as of yesterday I do not have an ID which caused me some pain today when I got off work and realized that I couldn't join Wes at the 90s bar crawl he was at. And before you guys get on me about waiting until the VERY last minute to do all of this (thus my license being expired) let me just tell you that I went down to the DMV to get an ID last week and they wouldn't accept my drivers license and social security as proof of my identity. They needed my original birth certificate...and got an attitude with me when I said I didn't have it and that it was in KY with my mom. So I had to have it overnighted and now I am without an ID until Monday when I get off work. Oh, and fun fact, you have to have an ID to get into audition buildings here. Hopefully I will be able to get it taken care of so I can attend the above mentioned auditions. PHEW. Typing all that out made me sweaty. All in all, NYC is great. And I am loving every minute of my new life here. I love that I get to audition multiple times a week and I love that I am here with the most wonderful guy I could ask for. Here's to many more wonderfully stressed out weeks. It is currenly snowing ridiculously hard outside and it has been since about 9:30am sooo that's cool. I decided to go out and about and get some stuff done today in spite of the blizzard (do laundry, get my nails done, go grocery shopping) and as soon as I stepping outside I regretted it. The snow was in my face, I couldn't take a deep breath without choking on snow and my hands were positively frozen. I held my ground though and continued with my errands. I decided to do this super bougie thing where I drop off my laundry and they do it for me (surprisingly not that much more expensive than me doing it myself) but the only problem is I dropped it off and went grocery shopping and now I am home and I don't want to go back out and get it...unclear on the decision I will make to fix this problem. New York has been alright so far. I am not going to lie. I have been super stressed out lately about many many things. Things that I am not going to go into detail about on here because I am not going to be accused of "subtweeting" (A message that mentions someone without using their actual name. Usually employed for negative or insulting tweets; the person you're mentioning won't see the subtweet in their timeline.) But I will say this: You should really just be kind to those around you and be a good human. Go out of your way to help out others if you can. Cause like, what's the harm in it, ya know? (And there it is. I just subtweeted...whatever) I am not letting New York get to me, but it is definately making me adjust to how I approach things. I have to chill the freak out, honestly. Haha. I let myself get waaaay to stressed out over things that don't deserve that stress. Talking to my friends has made it a bit easier as they try and give me advice about living here and taking one day at a time. My friends are the best. I am very blessed and thankful to be here with Wes. He is honestly the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes. I am super blessed to have a job and to be able to pay my bills. Being surrounded by homeless and people with very little everyday (more than I ever have in my whole life) just makes me super aware of how much priveledge I have. I know, I know it's super strange to say that I have priveledge, right? I am a woman and I am ethnic. However, I do have priveledge. An ENORMOUS amount. I started this post talking about dropping off my laundry and getting my nails done. Going grocery shopping. I see people everyday that cannot even remember the last time they did these things....if ever, honestly. NYC is a culture shock. But not in the ways you might expect. I am not surrounded by rude people, I am not constantly afraid that someone is going to steal my wallet, or attack me on the street, I am not getting caught up and I am not drowning in the fast paced environment. Instead, I am seeing poeple from walks of life that I have never seen before. I am having to have a more sympathetic ear when it comes to understanding different types of accents. I am having to be more self aware when it comes to taking things for granted becuase thousands of people suffer. Everyday. Thousands of people would love to have the "problems" I have. Thousands of people right here and right now in the city that I live in. I know this post seems long and scatter brained but it is just me trying to get out all of the things in my heart and in my brain that have been building up over the past week. I love where I am in life right now. And even though I have been so freaking stressed. That's alright. Because at the end of the day I have love, family, a roof over my head, and food in my kitchen. Thanks for reading all that. I love you all. Be kind today. To yourself and to a stranger. Ya'll deserve it. Today I get to breath...
and that is amazing. Today is my first day off since moving here on Wednesday and I couldn't be more thankful for that. It has been a whirl wind of a week and a truly inspiring way to go into the new year. Let's review my 2016: 2016 wasn't bad for me. 2016 was kind of magic.
Now, don't get me wrong. There were downs to 2016. I lost both of my grandmothers this year and that was really really rough on me. I don't have any grandparents left and that's a hurt that I will not soon forget. I watched my best friend lose his mom to cancer. I can't imagine what that must have felt like and he impresses me everyday with his strength and compassion. The election was this year...for the first time in my life I actually cared about politics and it was really freaking rough. I still haven't seen my sister since 2013. So...yea, it wasn't all sunshine. But despite all of these things I had to rise above. That's what you have to do. You have to take the good with the bad an trust God to show you which is which. Last year I rang in the new year in NYC as a Christmas Present to Wes and woke up the next morning only to rush to the train station because it was time to leave and head home. This year we rang in the new year four days after moving here and this morning we are laying in bed about to make a massive breakfast feast...I'd say 2016 treated me pretty well. Now, I start 2017 in a new city, with a new job, and new goals. I hope everyone had a wonderful and safe night last night and you are going into 2017 with a glimmer in your eye! |
AuthorMiki. 26. NYC. Beautiful: The Carole King Musical National Tour. Archives
January 2018
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