This post is coming to you live from a coffee shop in NYC; whilst drinking a SUPER hot, overpriced, and watery cappuccino.
I will warn you ahead of time that things are about to get heavy. OK Let’s jump right in: I have been feeling down lately. I don’t really know what exactly it is that is making me feel this way…but there is something in the air. There are several things random and unrelated things that could be contributing to my stress and the uneasy feeling I feel in my stomach on the daily, but I can’t put my finger on any specifics. It has taken me a long time to decide if I wanted to make a post about this or not. I almost made my last post touch on this but I don’t like to complain about my life. Or things in general. I have been trying to keep things positive and light about my time here in NYC and my life. But I feel like I need to get it all out so that I can look at everything that is happening, as if it were on a spread sheet or something and then maybe I can see what the root of this unhappiness is. I apologize if the rest of this post jumps around a lot and begins to be hard to understand. As I was writing it just became a string of consciousness and I just wrote the first things that came to my mind. I needed this, so please indulge me. There is a new struggle I am dealing with lately. As you may remember about a month and a half ago I was so excited about the fact that I was moving to the city and I didn’t have any performance work or anything and I was just going to be living my life and discovering me. Well, now that I am living that life it isn’t really all that amazing. I have found myself going to work and going to auditions and going to bed. Literally spending hours and hours in bed. Doing nothing. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love being able to binge watch a good Netflix original, but I am not being useful. I am not accomplishing anything. I know that I need to get out there and I need to try and take classes or go to performances or do basically anything other than what I am doing but I just don’t have the motivation to do it. There are a lot of lose ends that need to be tied up in my life at the moment and I am letting that stress and frustration consume me. Now, I have always been this way. I don’t have a history of dealing with stress well, I definitely have had to deal with it in the past and I did…but not well. I almost drown in it and just when I get my head above the water there is a small calm before the next storm. I have always been the type of person to stress out and over analyze hectic things in my life until they get resolved. That is just my nature. I like all of my ducks to be in a row and until they are I will lose much sleep over it. I am a planner, I like to know what is happening, where it is happening, and who will be there. Going with the flow is not a strength of mine. Guys, I am going crazy here. I am overwhelmed with life. I am overwhelmed with burdens. I am overwhelmed by my schedule. I am overwhelmed with anxiety. Anxiety is a thing that I have dealt with in the past (mostly in college) along with signs of Borderline Personality Disorder. I am not sharing this light heartedly. There are few people in my life that I have opened up to about this part of my life and I don’t usually like to share it, but lately I have been feeling very alone. I have been missing people that used to be in my life (who are now not in my life for VERY good reasons), I am laying in bed and checking my phone every 5 seconds for someone to talk to. I am feeling isolated. Don’t get me wrong, I have Wes and he is wonderful. He is there when I need him and is amazing at dealing with me and all my “issues”. But he has his own life. He has his own obligations. He lives with me and works with me. I don’t want to overwhelm him with all of the struggles I am having as well. He can only handle so much. It has been a really long time since I have felt any anxiety or signs of BPD, but these past two weeks it has hit me like a freaking semi truck. It isn’t depression. I am not depressed. I have this feeling in my stomach always that makes me feel like throwing up. It makes me feel like something bad is looming over my head. The only time I don’t feel it is when I am in an audition room (go figure…no anxiety at and audition…) or when I am in the middle of a work shift. So it’s clear to me that it is subsided when I am doing something to take my mind off of it. Something that makes me really concentrate on what is happening in the here and now. I don’t really know what exactly I really wanted to accomplish by posting all of this. It is not a cry for attention. It is absolutely not that. And if I am being honest this post is probably going to sit on my computer for a couple of days before I decide to actually post it. This is me asking for help, I guess? Have any of you felt this way? What have you done to calm yourself and put your mind at ease? Bottomline is this: I love my life. I love what I am doing, and I love the fact that I get to live everyday with my best friend by my side. I am struggling internally. The title of this post comes from a very dear friend. As I was in the throws of frustration speaking to my mother on the phone this afternoon, I looked down at my phone only to get a message from a wonderful man that said “…positivity begets positivity.” This statement was shared because of something entirely unrelated to my personal struggles but it came precisely at the right time. A simple message that a little bit of positivity goes a long way and encourages the future. Thank you all for reading all of this and thank you in advance for you help and insight. I love you all more than I could imagine.
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AuthorMiki. 26. NYC. Beautiful: The Carole King Musical National Tour. Archives
January 2018
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