Wow. It's been an absurdly long time since I posted. Let's play catch up.
- I spent 3 weeks in Paducah with my wonderful family and it was the best TLC I could have asked for. I couldn't have asked for a better travel companion either. Being in Paducah with Wes Carman kind of makes me the happiest girl in the world. It's like all the things I love together in one place. I ate a lot of food, went to the casino, and cuddled my dog. It was lovely. - I became long distance with Wes. It sucked. It sucks. Being long distance is the biggest test of a relationship I think you can go through. It can totally been done. But damn. It sucks. I miss him more and more every single day. It takes a lot to be able to get used to being without your SO, and it's never a thing that you REALLY want to get used to but I think it's important to do so. The last time we were long distance it was like 3 month after we had just started dating and it was really important that we were honest with each other and open about what we wanted and what we expected from one another. We have come a long way since then and i know we are going to come out of this stronger than ever. -I'm currently rehearsing for my ship with Carnival in Miami and I have to say it's the hardest job I've ever had. I'm being stretched vocally and physically. Mental exhaustion is also a very REAL thing I am dealing with. Sometimes all the choreography that I go through I'm a day makes my head want to spin into a wall. BUT I love this. I love that I am sore and I feel like crying sonetimes. I'm rehearsing 6 days a week 8-5pm and my body and psyche are going to be so much better for it. I have a little over 3 weeks left before getting on the ship and I can't freaking wait. - I am in a cast with 5 people from England, one person from Germany, and one other American. I live with four of the ones from England. It's really really funny because I have started to feel like the way I talk is wrong. Like my American accent is out of place. Because here it kinda is. I'm learning different names for things and experiencing things like Olive Garden and Taco Bell in a new light since MOST of them have never been to these places before. It's a treat. They are all lovely. Everything is going really really well in my life at the moment and I am truly so blessed to be doing what I love for a living. I promise it won't be so long before I post again. ✌🏽 We have a schedule at my job that allows everyone to have two days off in a row to simulate a weekend of sorts and it is really amazing. For the past month or so Wes and I have had the same two days off (this could be because the managers know we are dating and don't want to be responsible for the downfall of our relationship due to the fact that we are on opposite schedules or it could just be the universe doing us a huge solid) so we get to do fun things and look into each others eyes for a really long time. Monday and Tuesday are our Saturday and Sunday. Which is actually crazy helpful when you have things that you need to get done on a weekday...LIIIIIKKKEEE getting all of the insanity done so that you can go on your new exciting job in the middle of the ocean. I am super excited about this adventure I am about to go on, don't get me wrong. But DAMN it's stressful. I have to:
-Get passport (never had one. never needed one. need one now...fast) CHECK -Get all of the records of my health since, like, birth. CHECK -Get medical examination to prove that I am healthy, not a drug addict, and to make sure that I don't catch any diseases (I was supposed to get this last Monday but the power went out in the facility? You would think they would have a back up generator...but whatever. They did not. So I have to go back next week) NOT CHECK -Get new ID for NYC just so that I have an ID that has my correct address on it (that doesn't really have anything to do with the job...it's just to make my life easier lol) CHECK There is just a lot of waiting and loose ends to tie up. I will sigh a big sigh of relief once I leave for rehearsals May 24th. I got most of this done on Monday and I was really proud of myself. Tuesday, Wes and I had a picnic in Central Park and then went to go see Beauty and the Beast. Guys? IT WAS SO GOOD!!!! I was really weary at first because Beauty and the Beast is my favorite stage musical and I am very protective of everything Belle because I wanna be her. Overall the movie was wonderful, very beautiful, very Disney. I will say, however, that Emma Watson was WAY over auto tuned and I hated that aspect of it. If they would have just let her voice sound like it sounded I would have probably liked it better ( I say probably because who knows? She could be tone deaf and then no one would want that). There were moments where she legit sounded like a pop singer and I don't want that in my movie adaption live action Disney remake. But other than that, like I said, everything else was phenomenal. Disney SHOWED UP with those interracial couples and the gay characters. I am so happy to see Disney reflecting the world that we live in today. It was so freaking refreshing. The visuals were beautiful and "Be Our Guest" made me cry...a lot like the rest of the movie did. Do yourself a favor and see it. That's all for this post, my friends. I worked a double today and I am ready to hit the hay. I hope you had a wonderful Wednesday and I hope you have an even better Thursday. According to the musical "In Transit" (and I am sure those writers got it from somewhere reliable), the average New Yorker's commute to work takes about an hour one way. So you spend two hours per day, ten hours per week, forty hours per month on a train (check my math? I failed it in college...) To battle this demon of public transit I made a really sick (relatively speaking..) playlist on Spotify when I moved here. However, a person can only listen to Ed Sheeran and the soundtrack to S!NG so much, ya know? I decided that I needed another pass time whilst on the daily grind to and from Washington Heights; so I started reading "You Are A Badass: How to stop doubting your greatness and start living an awesome life". And let me tell you, Oh. My. God. This book is amazing. I can't say enough good things about it. It is the perfect book to read if you are a performer and you are struggling in audition season, trying to get seen, trying to book, trying to follow through from that callback to the contract (Hi, hello, this is my struggle, please help me), or just plain needing a little boost because life is happening to you and you are feeling unsafe. I have not finished this book even though I have been reading it for quite some time and it is not because I am an incredibly slow reader. It's because you can't skim through it. You have to take the time to read and re read and re re read exactly what it is telling you. This book tackles so many important things such as: self perception, self doubt, when exactly we were taught to be ashamed of our bodies and if we were worthy of love/who was appropriate to love/ lots of other positively awful dumb things that as children we are raised to believe just because that is what our parents believed and their parents believed and their parents believed...it's never ending...just like this sentence. This is one of those books where (much like many acting classes in college) you will read it and you will say, "oh, why didn't I think of that before? Obviously that is why I was feeling that way". It's the kind of book you want to take notes in (which I do) and highlight in (which I REALLY do because I love color) and pass on to a friend. Which is what I am going to do. In the hopes that it will continue on to other people who need to read it.
Something you need to know: This is absolutely classified as a "Self Help Book"...did I ever see myself picking up a self help book after work one Tuesday afternoon (I don't actually know what day I bought this but Tuesday fits the scenario) when I was 25 years old? No. I didn't. I really really didn't. But, damn, I am really glad I did. I am not reading this book because I am depressed or particularly unhappy with my life. I love my life and the things I get to do and experience, but it has given me a little bit of insight. There are many things that I want to do in my life, ie: get into better shape, start doing yoga, create things on a daily basis: such as a youtube series where I explain how to play select board games in normal and easy to understand language because some of these strategy games are absolute gibberish...and instead of jumping in head first I have been procrastinating and just letting life pass me by...and for what? I am not waiting on anything. I am just letting life happen to me instead of me happening to life. I need to live more. I need to do more than work and audition. There is more to life than that (other than hulu and netflix). Guys, I know this seems very random and maybe a little scattered. But this book is important and could do a lot for many people in my life. So, if your light is looking a little dim, you're bored, or you spend half of your life on a subway going to and from a busy, exhausting, and incredibly stressful restaurant job pick. up. this. book. Also, my washer and dryer got fixed and so now I have all the clean clothes and I feel like a champion princess. I smell great and I happy. Look out world. "You are the only you in the world. Don't deny the world your greatness." - Amazing book i have been going on and on about. READ IT. So, Wes And I have signed a lease. We are in a wonderful apartment in Washington Heights and we are living with two of the biggest cuties in the world (Shout out to Garret and Greg). We are fully unpacked and we are settled. But let me tell you, none of this was easy.
Signing a lease in NYC was literally one of the most stressful, long, drawn out OBNOXIOUS things I have ever done. Lots of paper signing, money given, phone calls, long meetings, and plans made. We were delayed moving in by 3 days because of repairs and renovations being done, which would have been really cool (renovations mean really nice apartment) but the building manager insisted on telling us that the apartment would be ready before it was and we would show up with things to move in and it wouldn't be ready...so with much frustration, we took what was being thrown at us and tried to make the most of it. We currently do not have a working washer and dryer (I am aware that it is basically unheard of that we even have this in our apartment in NYC...but it is super annoying that it doesn't work) or a working stove but hopefully that will be done by the end of the week. * Phew* Man...This has all been a lot. As far as the auditioning front goes, I didn't book the show that I was in final callbacks for. I found that out today, but that's the way it goes. I went in 4 times for them and for the director but they decided to go in a different direction so there are other things out there for me. I have had a small break from the grind the past week and that has been actually really amazing. I have gotten to take a breath and get some hours at work. So thats always good. Oh! Work! Speaking of work! I haven't posted anything about this BUUUUUTTTT, my restaurant is really freaking cool. Celebrities come in there all the time. I have been working when Kanye West, Bette Midler, Dev Patel, and Britt Robertson came in....not together, that would be a really weird dinner. Susan Sarandon, Lucy Lu, Martha Stewart, Randy Jackson have all been in while I wasn't there. So it's exciting to go to work sometimes lol. But anyways, that is a quick update on whats going on with me. Life is good. I hope it is with you all as well. Keep smiling. I am currently sitting on my Ikea bed that I put together by myself WITHOUT INSTRUCTIONS and I am burning a blackberry and absinthe candle. Have a wonderful night everyone. Hello all!
*A quick update on the last post. My friends and family have created an amazing support group for me and have wrapped their literally and hypothetical arms around me and this has comforted my struggle and my sadness. I am happy to say that I am feeling much better as of late. Thank you all for your kind words and to those of you who reached out. You are greatly appreciated.* So, as you all know I am living in NYC and I am living my fullest small town actress' dream. This post is just going to shed a little bit of light on what that's like. I have been on the audition grind for a little over a month now. I hate that I am calling it the "audition grind" but with 4-6 auditions a week and early morning subway rides to get on an unofficial non eq list and trying to hold down a serving job has earned that name. I have got to say that this life is a STRUGGLE; it is nearly impossible to take a breath and have a life. Wes and I have started doing this thing where if it isn't too early in the morning and we are both off work we will go to each others auditions. Roll your eyes all you want but it gives us someone to wait with our stuff while we are in the audition room, someone to smile at us and hug us if the audition goes badly, and takes the pressure off of making friends with people in the holding room. Speaking of people in the holding room...jesus christ. I have encountered some of the WORST kinds of people. People that are clearly trying to put their "best" foot forward in the audition room but when it comes to the way they act around their peers...UGH. Now, don't get me wrong there have been many kind and welcoming souls waiting around to be called in the room, but for every one of those there are three gross attitudes. I actually went to callback for a company a few weeks ago and there were people outside of the audition room vocally warming up (loudly), tap dancing, going up to the door and listening to the people inside and passing really mean judgements on them, laughing and yelling about the vocal choices that were being made...you best believe as soon as these people walked in that audition room their fake smiles turned on and they tried to show the FAKEST version of themselves they could so that they could get hired. Behavior like this baffles me. And upsets me, honestly. These are unkind people that don't understand that half of this job is being a kind person and being cool to work with. I just want these people to get a wake up call and realize that the kind of behavior they are exhibiting isn't doing them any favors. Sorry for this rant but I just needed to get it off my chest. I need everyone to know not to be an asshole. It's not worth it and no one thinks its funny or cute. I like auditioning everyday. I like being able to wake up and do what I love to do...but I also like it when I get to interact with nice people. It isn't hard to be a kind person. Just a little bit of an extra effort goes a long freaking way. Thats all. BTW, I am in final callbacks for something and it would be really cool if I could get all the prayers and positivity you could muster up for me. Thanks, loves. This post is coming to you live from a coffee shop in NYC; whilst drinking a SUPER hot, overpriced, and watery cappuccino.
I will warn you ahead of time that things are about to get heavy. OK Let’s jump right in: I have been feeling down lately. I don’t really know what exactly it is that is making me feel this way…but there is something in the air. There are several things random and unrelated things that could be contributing to my stress and the uneasy feeling I feel in my stomach on the daily, but I can’t put my finger on any specifics. It has taken me a long time to decide if I wanted to make a post about this or not. I almost made my last post touch on this but I don’t like to complain about my life. Or things in general. I have been trying to keep things positive and light about my time here in NYC and my life. But I feel like I need to get it all out so that I can look at everything that is happening, as if it were on a spread sheet or something and then maybe I can see what the root of this unhappiness is. I apologize if the rest of this post jumps around a lot and begins to be hard to understand. As I was writing it just became a string of consciousness and I just wrote the first things that came to my mind. I needed this, so please indulge me. There is a new struggle I am dealing with lately. As you may remember about a month and a half ago I was so excited about the fact that I was moving to the city and I didn’t have any performance work or anything and I was just going to be living my life and discovering me. Well, now that I am living that life it isn’t really all that amazing. I have found myself going to work and going to auditions and going to bed. Literally spending hours and hours in bed. Doing nothing. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love being able to binge watch a good Netflix original, but I am not being useful. I am not accomplishing anything. I know that I need to get out there and I need to try and take classes or go to performances or do basically anything other than what I am doing but I just don’t have the motivation to do it. There are a lot of lose ends that need to be tied up in my life at the moment and I am letting that stress and frustration consume me. Now, I have always been this way. I don’t have a history of dealing with stress well, I definitely have had to deal with it in the past and I did…but not well. I almost drown in it and just when I get my head above the water there is a small calm before the next storm. I have always been the type of person to stress out and over analyze hectic things in my life until they get resolved. That is just my nature. I like all of my ducks to be in a row and until they are I will lose much sleep over it. I am a planner, I like to know what is happening, where it is happening, and who will be there. Going with the flow is not a strength of mine. Guys, I am going crazy here. I am overwhelmed with life. I am overwhelmed with burdens. I am overwhelmed by my schedule. I am overwhelmed with anxiety. Anxiety is a thing that I have dealt with in the past (mostly in college) along with signs of Borderline Personality Disorder. I am not sharing this light heartedly. There are few people in my life that I have opened up to about this part of my life and I don’t usually like to share it, but lately I have been feeling very alone. I have been missing people that used to be in my life (who are now not in my life for VERY good reasons), I am laying in bed and checking my phone every 5 seconds for someone to talk to. I am feeling isolated. Don’t get me wrong, I have Wes and he is wonderful. He is there when I need him and is amazing at dealing with me and all my “issues”. But he has his own life. He has his own obligations. He lives with me and works with me. I don’t want to overwhelm him with all of the struggles I am having as well. He can only handle so much. It has been a really long time since I have felt any anxiety or signs of BPD, but these past two weeks it has hit me like a freaking semi truck. It isn’t depression. I am not depressed. I have this feeling in my stomach always that makes me feel like throwing up. It makes me feel like something bad is looming over my head. The only time I don’t feel it is when I am in an audition room (go figure…no anxiety at and audition…) or when I am in the middle of a work shift. So it’s clear to me that it is subsided when I am doing something to take my mind off of it. Something that makes me really concentrate on what is happening in the here and now. I don’t really know what exactly I really wanted to accomplish by posting all of this. It is not a cry for attention. It is absolutely not that. And if I am being honest this post is probably going to sit on my computer for a couple of days before I decide to actually post it. This is me asking for help, I guess? Have any of you felt this way? What have you done to calm yourself and put your mind at ease? Bottomline is this: I love my life. I love what I am doing, and I love the fact that I get to live everyday with my best friend by my side. I am struggling internally. The title of this post comes from a very dear friend. As I was in the throws of frustration speaking to my mother on the phone this afternoon, I looked down at my phone only to get a message from a wonderful man that said “…positivity begets positivity.” This statement was shared because of something entirely unrelated to my personal struggles but it came precisely at the right time. A simple message that a little bit of positivity goes a long way and encourages the future. Thank you all for reading all of this and thank you in advance for you help and insight. I love you all more than I could imagine. Hello everyone!
It's been a minute since I posted and for that I am sorry. I have been using my free time to watch movies, cuddle, and sleep. =) Here's what's new. I was planning on waiting until contracts were signed (and then post a picture of me signing said contract) to announce this but that is taking a little longer than expected so I will just say this: I am currently free lancing with Revolution Talent (I am not actually freelancing but that is what we are going to call it until I get down to the office and acting sign the papers) ((ie: I signed with an agent))!!!!! He has been doing LOTS of work for me and filling up all my days with wonderful auditions. I have not been wasting any time. So far I have gone in for Matt Davenport Productions, Royal Caribbean, and an Equity workshop. All but one have resulted in callbacks (but who knows I just auditioned for that one so it's up in the air) and this week I am going in for Norwegian and Sister Act. It has been insane. I am super thankful for the insanity though. My new job is ridiculously tiring on the body, mind, and spirit but I think I am getting the hang of it. It's honestly just like any other restaurant job but WAY more particular with their service. I don't know if I posted about this in the last post or not but Wes also got hired there. So now we work in the same place and we can switch shifts when we have auditions...we have done this twice already and I have to tell you it is the best thing ever. I have been able to make all of my auditions and so has he so thank God for that. While all of these good things are happening there are some aspects of my life that are still coming at me head on and fast and it is causing me a little bit of anxiety (emphasis on the "little") but I know all of it will soon pass and I will be able to get ahead on the things that I am behind on. One of the annoying things I am having to deal with is the fact that I have to go through the process of getting a new ID partially because my drivers license expired yesterday (yay me) and partially because once you have been in NY for 30 days you have to declare yourself and a resident legally. So as of yesterday I do not have an ID which caused me some pain today when I got off work and realized that I couldn't join Wes at the 90s bar crawl he was at. And before you guys get on me about waiting until the VERY last minute to do all of this (thus my license being expired) let me just tell you that I went down to the DMV to get an ID last week and they wouldn't accept my drivers license and social security as proof of my identity. They needed my original birth certificate...and got an attitude with me when I said I didn't have it and that it was in KY with my mom. So I had to have it overnighted and now I am without an ID until Monday when I get off work. Oh, and fun fact, you have to have an ID to get into audition buildings here. Hopefully I will be able to get it taken care of so I can attend the above mentioned auditions. PHEW. Typing all that out made me sweaty. All in all, NYC is great. And I am loving every minute of my new life here. I love that I get to audition multiple times a week and I love that I am here with the most wonderful guy I could ask for. Here's to many more wonderfully stressed out weeks. It is currenly snowing ridiculously hard outside and it has been since about 9:30am sooo that's cool. I decided to go out and about and get some stuff done today in spite of the blizzard (do laundry, get my nails done, go grocery shopping) and as soon as I stepping outside I regretted it. The snow was in my face, I couldn't take a deep breath without choking on snow and my hands were positively frozen. I held my ground though and continued with my errands. I decided to do this super bougie thing where I drop off my laundry and they do it for me (surprisingly not that much more expensive than me doing it myself) but the only problem is I dropped it off and went grocery shopping and now I am home and I don't want to go back out and get it...unclear on the decision I will make to fix this problem. New York has been alright so far. I am not going to lie. I have been super stressed out lately about many many things. Things that I am not going to go into detail about on here because I am not going to be accused of "subtweeting" (A message that mentions someone without using their actual name. Usually employed for negative or insulting tweets; the person you're mentioning won't see the subtweet in their timeline.) But I will say this: You should really just be kind to those around you and be a good human. Go out of your way to help out others if you can. Cause like, what's the harm in it, ya know? (And there it is. I just subtweeted...whatever) I am not letting New York get to me, but it is definately making me adjust to how I approach things. I have to chill the freak out, honestly. Haha. I let myself get waaaay to stressed out over things that don't deserve that stress. Talking to my friends has made it a bit easier as they try and give me advice about living here and taking one day at a time. My friends are the best. I am very blessed and thankful to be here with Wes. He is honestly the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes. I am super blessed to have a job and to be able to pay my bills. Being surrounded by homeless and people with very little everyday (more than I ever have in my whole life) just makes me super aware of how much priveledge I have. I know, I know it's super strange to say that I have priveledge, right? I am a woman and I am ethnic. However, I do have priveledge. An ENORMOUS amount. I started this post talking about dropping off my laundry and getting my nails done. Going grocery shopping. I see people everyday that cannot even remember the last time they did these things....if ever, honestly. NYC is a culture shock. But not in the ways you might expect. I am not surrounded by rude people, I am not constantly afraid that someone is going to steal my wallet, or attack me on the street, I am not getting caught up and I am not drowning in the fast paced environment. Instead, I am seeing poeple from walks of life that I have never seen before. I am having to have a more sympathetic ear when it comes to understanding different types of accents. I am having to be more self aware when it comes to taking things for granted becuase thousands of people suffer. Everyday. Thousands of people would love to have the "problems" I have. Thousands of people right here and right now in the city that I live in. I know this post seems long and scatter brained but it is just me trying to get out all of the things in my heart and in my brain that have been building up over the past week. I love where I am in life right now. And even though I have been so freaking stressed. That's alright. Because at the end of the day I have love, family, a roof over my head, and food in my kitchen. Thanks for reading all that. I love you all. Be kind today. To yourself and to a stranger. Ya'll deserve it. Today I get to breath...
and that is amazing. Today is my first day off since moving here on Wednesday and I couldn't be more thankful for that. It has been a whirl wind of a week and a truly inspiring way to go into the new year. Let's review my 2016: 2016 wasn't bad for me. 2016 was kind of magic.
Now, don't get me wrong. There were downs to 2016. I lost both of my grandmothers this year and that was really really rough on me. I don't have any grandparents left and that's a hurt that I will not soon forget. I watched my best friend lose his mom to cancer. I can't imagine what that must have felt like and he impresses me everyday with his strength and compassion. The election was this year...for the first time in my life I actually cared about politics and it was really freaking rough. I still haven't seen my sister since 2013. So...yea, it wasn't all sunshine. But despite all of these things I had to rise above. That's what you have to do. You have to take the good with the bad an trust God to show you which is which. Last year I rang in the new year in NYC as a Christmas Present to Wes and woke up the next morning only to rush to the train station because it was time to leave and head home. This year we rang in the new year four days after moving here and this morning we are laying in bed about to make a massive breakfast feast...I'd say 2016 treated me pretty well. Now, I start 2017 in a new city, with a new job, and new goals. I hope everyone had a wonderful and safe night last night and you are going into 2017 with a glimmer in your eye! |
AuthorMiki. 26. NYC. Beautiful: The Carole King Musical National Tour. Archives
January 2018
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